


Is My Neighbor Even Human?

by Freshnonsense42



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Hale Fire (Teen Wolf), Fluff and Angst, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Stiles and Derek both flirt by being obsessed with the other, but the angst is pretty minor, homeownership, podcaster Stiles Stilinski, polygot Derek Hale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-18 13:30:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20639966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freshnonsense42/pseuds/Freshnonsense42
Summary: Listen, Stiles knows the podcast is a bad idea. The same way he knows being in anything other than lust with his neighbor is a bad idea. But Stiles has never been great at avoiding bad ideas.So he has a podcast about his hotter than the sun neighbor, and he gets to know said neighbor, and maybe gets in too deep with feels way too quickly. What else is new?





	Is My Neighbor Even Human?

_ “Hey! My name is Stiles Stilinski and this is _**_Is My Neighbor Even Human_**. _Today I’m gonna be discussing my neighbor’s guest, who’s been at his house three days now. They’ve been going on runs every morning. I can’t believe he found someone else who likes to go for 4 AM runs, let alone hours long ones. Plural! Good for him, I guess?_

_ “People have been bringing up the fact that Big Guy might be a bodybuilder again. If you haven’t listened to past episodes, I have thoroughly investigated that possibility. Also the possibility of him being a model or an actor. He’s just a mega hottie who has literal hours to work-out. I’m not complaining, because he does a lot of his work-outs in the backyard and I do creep on him._

_ “I don’t feel bad, because he creeps back on me. Nobody just guesses how many times their neighbor orders pizza. Or what their work hours are. Or that they shop at the grocery store on Fifth instead of the one on Milliner. I still don’t know how he figured that out._

_ “Is it weird that it’s hot that he’s been stalking me? Probably. I’m not stalking him though, despite what some people think. _ ** _Scott_ ** _. I’m on watch because Big Guy is not human. No way is he human! He’s an alien or supernatural or something. There’s just- he does things that humans cannot do.”_

* * *

Stiles had bought his house when he was twenty-seven. He’d been young, too young probably, but when his dad had said he was selling it to move in with Melissa McCall, Stiles had… panicked. He didn’t regret it because he loved his childhood home. He loved all the memories it had. Scott and Allison moved into the master bedroom, because Stiles couldn’t, and Lydia did _not_ live with them, but had decorated the spare room to suit herself. She stayed over at least three nights a week. 

It had shifted from being his childhood home to being a home for his friends. So, yeah, he probably shouldn’t have bought a house so young and maybe he should have let go of his childhood home, but it all worked out. He was happy, his friends were happy, and they’d made changes to the house. They’d painted rooms, and redone the tiling in the main bathroom, and gotten new countertops in the kitchen.

And he and Scott built a deck! 

Well, he and Scott started building a deck. 

Stiles had shot a nail through his foot and was banned from using power tools. It was fair. So Stiles’s dad had come over with Allison’s dad to finish the deck. Lydia had gone out there, originally to supervise, but she’d ended up with her hair pulled back and safety glasses on as she helped build the deck. She’d done it to prove she could, Stiles thought, but afterwards she’d actually started doing more DIY projects around the house. 

The best part about buying the house, though, came about a year and a half later when his neighbors moved out. They, like Stiles’s dad, had retired and their children had their own lives so they wanted something smaller. The whole neighborhood was going through a sort of spurt of retirees moving out so young-ish people could move in. It meant Stiles’s impulse buy was actually an investment.

It also meant that Derek Hale had moved in next door. Derek was basically the most beautiful man Stiles had ever seen. With his chiseled jaw and five o’clock shadow, and frown-y eyebrows and soft smile. Stiles had fallen immediately in lust, which so what? So had everyone else who saw Derek. 

The tragic part came when Stiles was mowing the lawn one day and was sweating and gross, and had flyaway grass sticking to his calves and hated life. Derek had come out of his house, dressed in basketball shorts and a white tank and _flip-flops_, because he was trying to kill Stiles, and he’d stopped by the property line with a bottle of water held out. 

He’d yelled above the noise of the mower, “Looks like you could use this,” and tossed the water bottle. A normal person might have fumbled slightly but would have caught the easy throw.

Stiles had never been accused of normalcy. So he’d flailed and knocked the water bottle away from him. He’d lunged after it, lost his balance, and fallen to the yard with all the grass trimmings. The mower was old and useless, so it hadn’t moved very far.

Derek jumped the fence though and rushed over to turn it off. Then he’d leaned over Stiles and said, “Are you ok?”  
  
“Public humiliation hasn’t been fatal yet.” Stiles accepted the hand held out to him, ignoring the frisson of excitement that shot through him.

Derek grinned at him. “Sorry about that. I- I just thought- you’ve been working pretty hard all morning.” Which, _hello!_, meant Derek was admitting to watching him work all morning. Jesus! Stiles should’ve been sexier with the mower. “I was heading out and thought… I’d be neighborly.”

“Yeah. Yeah, definitely.” Stiles glanced around the grass for the misplaced water bottle. “Very neighborly.” It was covered in grass, but it was still cold. Stiles unscrewed the top and downed half of it, mostly to prove he was appreciative. Except then he’d panicked that it seemed disrespectful to just down it like that. When he’d tried to stop, it went down the wrong hole and he’d had a coughing fit. Right there on his front lawn with Derek Hale watching him. 

Bent over and red-faced, Stiles had wheezed out, “Thanks, man.”

“Uh, yeah. Are you all right?” Stiles held out a thumbs up. The choking had ended, but he stayed bent over to hide his embarrassment. He couldn’t have not been a spaz for five minutes? “I’m Derek Hale, by the way. Just moved in.”

“Yeah, hey. Stiles Stilinski. I live… here, obviously. Uh, Scott and Allison live here too and Lydia does what she wants. That’s literally what she tells me every time we have a house meeting and I ask if she lives here. So.”  
  
Derek smiled and raised his eyebrows and Stiles wanted to do freaking _wholesome_ things with him. Like sit by fireplaces with a book or cuddle up and watch a movie on a rainy night. What the fuck? He was in lust, thank you very much, and should only be thinking about getting hot and sweaty with Derek for reasons outside of lawn care.

“Sounds like fun,” said Derek, dragging Stiles out of his fantasy of going to a farmer’s market with him. “I live alone. First time.”  
  
Stiles wiped the sweat off his brow, which made Derek’s grin widen. He wished Derek had stopped for a chat literally any other time. He was disgusting and vaguely itchy now with all the loose grass on him. It was a terrible first impression.

“Yeah? Lots of roommates before?”  
  
“Uh, kind of. My family’s very close so we all kind of lived together. I only moved out because some of my cousins started having kids and it was a little too crazy.”

“Holy shit. What, did you live on a compound? Sorry! Jesus. My brain to mouth filter is non-functioning. I would say ‘temporarily’ non-functioning because of the yard work or whatever, but that would be a lie. I’m just like this all the time.” Stiles forced himself to take another drink so he’d stop talking. 

“It’s ok. I’m used to people thinking my family’s… unique. We own a couple acres of property and have a couple houses on it. I was gonna build a house out there, a little bit away from the chaos, but it was vetoed.”

“What? Your family wanted to get rid of you? Assholes.”

Derek chuckled and Stiles barely remembered not to throw his arms up in victory. That was not a normal thing to do with a new acquaintance. “No. They just worried I, uh, I’m kinda shy, I guess. I dunno, that’s what my sister calls me when she’s trying to be nice.”

“Cool. Yeah.” Why the fuck was he agreeing with that? “I mean, you seem to be doing all right to me.” Stiles held the water bottle up as proof.

Derek grimaced. “It took me a month to say hi and I nearly killed you with a water bottle.”

“Pfft. Tch. Dude, I fell, but the mower was going the opposite direction.”

“Right. Well, good. Glad I didn’t… y’know.” Stiles nodded and Derek nodded and then they stood there. In silence. Staring at each other. Were they having a moment? It felt like a moment. Stiles was so into Derek’s small smile, and his cheekbones, and the fact that he’d brought his sweaty gross neighbor a water bottle. “Uh… I should go. I’ll- I’ll see you later, Stiles.”

“Yeah. Of course. I’ll be here.” Stiles turned as Derek crossed the lawn to his own driveway. “Y’know just hanging out. If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. Cups of sugar! Milk! No. Actually, Allison’s lactose intolerant. She won’t drink milk, but she does eat cheese. Hypocrite. Cheese! We have cheese if you need it.”

Derek grinned. “I’ll keep that in mind.” Then he waved at Stiles before getting into his car. 

Stiles waited until Derek’s car was out of sight before collapsing onto the lawn. What the fuck had he done? Offering his incredible neighbor _cheese_? Derek probably thought he was weird and a loser and would never ever talk to him again. He would probably _avoid_ Stiles from now on. His one chance to make a good impression and he freaking blew it!

It wasn’t until ten minutes later, after Stiles got off the ground and restarted the mower, that he remembered how Derek had gotten onto the property. He’d jumped a three foot fence and the row of hedges butting against it without a running start. Stiles had stared at the fence and hedge for a thoughtful moment before discarding it. Maybe he’d missed something while he’d been lying in his own filth and humiliation. 

After that he started paying attention to Derek. Not in a creepy or nosey way, but in a friendly and neighborly way. It was Derek’s first time on his own! Someone should look after him! Even if that someone happened to be a few years younger than Derek. 

That was how he found out Derek went running at 4AM every morning. For a four hour run. And that Derek lifted weights in the backyard for literal hours after his run. And that Derek brought home enough groceries for a small army but almost never had visitors. And did random backflips all the time and for no apparent reason.

All evidence pointed to Derek being non-human. The thing about Stiles was: he was a monster-fucker. He had accepted this about himself when he was sixteen. It had actually been more of a struggle than the whole bisexual thing. It was the truth, though. If Derek Hale was non-human, that was not a deal breaker. 

Not that there was a deal. Derek was always friendly, and sometimes they flirted, but it wasn’t like _a thing_. It wasn’t like Stiles had planned their wedding and picked out their children’s names. Or told his dad that he’d met his soulmate on a Tuesday afternoon while he was procrastinating. It was a crush, but a _harmless_ one. 

The podcast had been a drunken mistake. Stiles was a big enough person to admit that. Stiles had gone out with his friends, gotten trashed, and come home to Derek leaving his house for his morning run. At _four in the goddamn morning_ Derek paused to ask if Stiles was all right. Stiles had said he was perfectly fine then vomited in the hedges. 

Derek corralled Stiles and his friends into the house and went on and on about hydrating. Stiles had stared at his eyes, crinkled at the edges with amusement, but a hint of concern there too. Where did he get off being concerned about Drunk!Stiles? So Stiles had gone to his recording equipment and rambled about his hot non-human neighbor for a few (twenty) minutes. Then he’d created a _website_ for it because Squarespace was so goddamn easy to use. Assholes. Then he’d _uploaded_ the show to every podcast hosting site Drunk!Stiles could remember. 

It had not been half as incredible an idea in the morning (afternoon) as it had been the night before (4 AM that same day).The problem was he’d attached his name to the show. When you googled him it was not the first thing to pop up, but if you had a google alert set for him you were dinged about it. And some of his fans had that. Two hundred people had listened to the first episode of _Is My Neighbor Even Human_ by the time Stiles remembered it existed. 

Deleting it had felt like it would give the show too much power. To delete it would create a mythos in the _Beginner’s Club Productions_ family. Their fans would go on and on about how meaningful the episode secretly was, or how it was a sign that Stiles was an alcoholic, or that Stiles was going solo. Garbage reasoning, but too risky to remove. So he let the show stay up with the resolution to never ever forever never record another episode. 

Except then! _Then_! Derek Freaking Hale overheard Scott and Stiles whispering on the back porch, about inviting Derek to a party they were throwing while he gardened. Because Derek Freaking Hale gardened. And his hearing was scary amazing. Like, Stiles was shook. And aroused. But, that was just, like, secondary. Derek’s hearing didn’t arouse him- well… no. Maybe it did, a little bit. It was just generally Derek’s everything. 

In addition to Derek saying he was busy that particular Friday evening, Stiles noted how Derek’s hearing was excellent. Suspiciously so even. It led to Stiles doing an episode about whether his neighbor was secretly Mothman. Shut-up! Moths have good hearing!

It all just snowballed after that. The show wasn’t even popular. It averaged about two hundred listeners and had peaked at four hundred once. He didn’t advertise it and tried to keep his name out of print. He didn’t want it to show up in google searches unless people were specifically googling the show’s name. It was more of a guilty pleasure than a show anyway! 

* * *

_ “Which brings me to his guest. I don’t know who she is or how they know each other. But she is also one of the hottest people I’ve ever seen, so naturally I assumed at first they were a couple. But… I dunno about that. They look similar-ish. Like, if they aren’t related, they’re definitely into each other because it’s like the gender swapped AU version of themself. Not gonna lie, I respect that. I’d fuck my clone, despite everything! _

_ “Anyway, we’re gonna call this guest Camaro, because she owns an amazing black Camaro. There’s two reasons for this nom de plume. One is I never use real names when it comes to stuff involving Big Guy. That… does feel like crossing the line from non-human watch into stalker-y territory. Two is I don’t actually know Camaro’s real name. We haven’t been introduced yet._

_ “So the reason I’m bringing Big Guy’s guest up is because she’s suspicious too! Which, if they are related makes sense. If he’s not human then she’s probably not either. The reason I think this is not just because she has the same running habits as Big Guy. Though, honestly? That would be enough. A four hour run is not normal!”_

* * *

Stiles hated his life. Or maybe it was just that his life hated him. Either way he was fuuuuuucked. And, ok, yes, he shouldn’t have been trying to carry so much at one time. But, consider his very sound counterargument, second trips for grocery bags are for the weak. It was only, like, ten bags anyway. Twelve at the absolute most. 

The bags hadn’t ruined his life, though. Oh no, that honor lay with the traitor gallon of milk he had bought. Listen. Yes, Ally was lactose intolerant. Yes, the house traditionally only used almond milk. Yes, no one was going to _drink_ the cow’s milk. But Stiles had bought it anyway because - and this was not creepy, fuck off - he had overheard Camaro and Derek in the backyard talking about borrowing milk from the neighbors. Derek had told Camaro that they didn’t drink milk and Camaro had been so disappointed.

It was Stiles’ turn to buy groceries for the house and the milk had been right there. He could make a big production out of carrying the milk inside and Camaro would _know_. The neighbors did have milk, knock on the door and ask for some, bring your hottie host with you. Whatever. It’s casual. Here’s a gallon of milk no one else in the house would use.

The gallon of milk slipped out of his hand and exploded on the concrete. That would have been embarrassing enough even if Stiles, being as graceful as a fawn learning to walk, hadn’t fell flat on his back. The grocery bags mostly stayed on his arms or in his hands, but things in the bag exploded or spilled from the force of the ground. There was salsa on Stiles’ pants. He could hear Scott’s smug voice explaining that’s why you should make homemade salsa. Who has time for that, Scotty?! Who?

Camaro’s sharp features popped into Stiles’ line of sight. Her eyebrows (less impressive than Derek’s, but still amazing) were furrowed as she stared down at him. “Are you all right?”

God, Stiles hoped she and Derek were dating. Normally, he was super grossed out by the straight couple asking a bisexual person for a threesome, but he would make such a strong exception for Derek and Camaro. No! He had to be strong! But, _god_.

“Yeah, you know, just… cloud… watching.”

Camaro glanced at the single puff of cloud in the sky. “Uh-huh. And this,” she gestured to the mess around him, “is your hipster way of eating snacks?”

Stiles scoffed. “This is Beacon Hills. There aren’t hipsters here. We’d have a way better farmer’s market if there were. Or, is that mommy bloggers? Regardless, our farmer’s market sucks ass.”

“But you still go to it?” Camaro circled around him and held out a hand for him.

He twisted his hand out of the bag handles, which was a complicated process that resulted in Camaro pressing her lips together and staring at him with bright eyes. Then he lifted a hand only to realize it was sticky with a mystery substance. He wiped his hand on his shirt, which did approximately nothing, before Camaro grabbed his hand anyway and yanked him to his feet. 

Jesus. Did he have strong person kink? Camaro could probably murder him without much effort and that was the hottest thing ever. 

“What am I supposed to do,” he said, in reference to her question, “not go? I’m trying to convince Bridget Norton to let me help with her bees. She keeps refusing because she thinks I’ll trip and knock over the hives.” Camaro raised a brow and looked at the spilled groceries pointedly. “Shut-up.”

“I’m Laura.”

Stiles took her hand, despite the grossness of his own hand, and said, “I’m…” he glanced at the groceries, “Scott McCall.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Good ole Scotty, that’s me.”

“Not Stiles Stilinski then?”

His shoulders drooped. “Is my reputation that bad?”

Laura’s hand tightened around his and a glint entered her eyes. He leaned away because he had some self-preservation instincts. Not much, but some. “Actually, you’re”-

“Laura.” 

Stiles flailed at the sharp word cutting through their friendly conversation. He lost his balance on the milk and wet grocery bags, braced for a second painful connection with the driveway, but Laura caught him. Oh my god. He was in a Taylor Swift song and the love interest was both Laura and Derek. _He’s_ _so tall and handsome as hell/ she’s so bad but she does it so well_. 

Despite being deeply attracted to both Laura and Derek, Stiles acknowledged that at least 30% of the appeal of being with Laura was the chance to be with Derek. Like, yes he wanted Laura, but he had just as many wholesome fantasies about Derek as he did dirty ones. 

He wanted to be bros with benefits with Laura and, like, husbands or some shit with Derek. Was that too quick? Fuck. That was too quick. He was gonna come across as needy and desperate. Again. 

After Stiles had regained his balance he said, “Hey Derek!” Which was not suave or sexy or even cool. Why was he such a spaz?

Derek’s eyebrows unclenched and he smiled, small and shy. “Hey, Stiles.” Laura made a noise and Derek’s face darkened again. He glared at her and bit out, “Sorry about my sister.”

Sister! So, no threesome, but still pathetic hope that Derek would decided he wanted a beanpole with balance issues. He beamed because he had never learned the difference between false hope and actual hope. “Nah, she’s good. It’s nice to put a name to a face.”

Laura put her arm around Stiles and smirked at Derek. The glower was unnecessary, in Stiles’ opinion, but Derek did have resting bitch face. “Stiles and I were making friends, Der-bear.”

“Oh my god,” Stiles breathed. The nickname was almost as amazing as seeing Derek’s ears turn bright red.

“_Laura_.” Stiles decided that only a younger sibling could whine at someone like that. Stiles had no siblings, but he had observed enough to know. Even if all his roommates were only children. Which… was that weird? Did Beacon Hills have a fertility issue?

“Hush. It’s good for people to see the soft side of you. Lets them know you aren’t actually the big bad wolf.” Derek huffed, but Stiles grinned. This entire thing was delightful. He would never call Derek Der-bear, because he did not want to encourage associations between himself and Derek’s sister, but it was all vital blackmail information. “I’ve been at your place a week and you haven’t introduced me to your neighbors. You moved out to socialize more.”

“I moved out to get away from everyone in my business all the time.”

Laura scoffed. “And then begged me to stay with you after I got back from New York.” As an aside she told Stiles, “I lived in New York.”  
  
“You barged into my house with all your stuff and congratulated me on my new houseguest.”

“Awww, don’t tell me you weren’t lonely, Der-bear.” Laura released Stiles so she could pinch Derek’s cheek. He jerked away from her and furiously told her to stop. “Derek only hates people he doesn’t know,” confided Laura. Stiles nodded encouragingly, because yes, give him all the Derek Hale information. “Once he knows you, he loves you and never wants to be away from you.”

“We have to go.” Derek grabbed Laura’s wrist and tugged her away.

She stood her ground and smiled. “No we don’t. So, Stiles. Derek says you live here with some roommates.” Derek looked to heaven, presumably seeking help from a higher power. None came.

“Uh, yeah. Me, Scott, Allison, who is Scotty’s girlfriend and my self-defense instructor, and sometimes Lydia. I think. I dunno. I’m pretty sure she’s living with us, Jackson and Danny, _and_ that she has a penthouse apartment downtown. I’ve never been invited to the penthouse, but I’m fairly sure it exists.”

“There’s a female self-defense instructor in Beacon Hills?” 

“I mean, not officially. Ally’s just a total badass. Her family were, like, doomsday preppers. She’s basically Robin Hood who boxes and does martial arts. I went to _Jungle_ by myself one time and there was… uh, a creepy guy. Anyway, some drag queens saved my ass. After that Ally taught us all how to beat the shit out of someone. Also, every third Friday I go to a drag queen karaoke contest at _Jungle_. I’m their emotional support bisexual.

“Ally would probably be willing to show you some moves though. But, can’t you beat the shit out of anyone anyway? I mean… eat your heart out Black Widow.”

Laura preened at the praise. “Thanks. I was actually thinking a self-defense instructor would make a good friend. We’d have things in common. I’m moving back to Beacon Hills and looking for new friends.”

“Yes!” Laura and Derek raised their brows at his enthusiasm. Jesus, up close the familial connection was obvious. He forced himself to calm down though. He couldn’t get too excited about a deeper connection between Derek’s life and Stiles’ life. “Uh, yeah. Totally. Lydia and Ally are always complaining about being outnumbered by dudes. They just met this new girl, Kira, and I guess they’re gonna pal around with Kira and her girlfriend. I dunno. I’ll let them know.”

“And I can bring Erica and Cora. And maybe Malia and her girlfriend. I’ve never met the girlfriend and Malia’s… intense, so we’ll see.”  
  
“Hey, the more the merrier. I assume. I should talk to them first, but! You should come to game night.”

“Derek,” Laura shot him a pointed look, “we should go to game night.” Based on the glare he gave her, that was the last thing Derek wanted to do.

“I mean, you don’t have to play. It’s so much fun, but you could, um, play ref? A lot of the games devolve into arguments about cheating in the final round.”

Derek hesitated and glanced at the house, but nodded. “It sounds fun.” It didn’t sound like it sounded fun. 

“You can bring your friends! Seriously! The house is a little small, but we’ve got folding chairs. And the backyard is decent so we can go out there if we need to.”

“That sounds great!” Laura said with enough enthusiasm that Stiles felt less desperate. “When is it?”

“Saturday at six. We order a shit ton of pizza and you have to bring your own drink. Jackson brings dessert because he channels his anger issues into baking. Bring whoever you want. I have to go now. A jar of something exploded and is now in my boxers. You didn’t need to know that. Ok. Bye.” Then Stiles very calmly made his way inside the house and definitely did not run away. 

* * *

_ “The main reason I think Camaro is also not human is because I saw her working out in the backyard. No clue where Big Guy was, which bummer, but whatever. Anyway, I wasn’t really watching her work-out because I was busy, but I heard a loud bang and looked over. I swear to god, one of the weights she’d been lifting landed on her foot! And she wasn’t lifting, like, something I would lift. She was doin’… what’s an impressive number for someone to lift? She was lifting a lot, ok? Same amount as Big Guy at least. _

_ “I ran out of my house so I could… uh, you know. Check on her. Anyway, I stood out front for like ten minutes and there was nothing. When I came back inside Camaro was still in the backyard and she was working out like nothing had happened! She destroyed her foot and acted like nothing happened! It wasn’t adrenaline either because that happened the second day of her visit and I have not seen her limping or anything.”_

* * *

Stiles spent all day Saturday cleaning the entire house. Including his bedroom, the upstairs bathroom, the master suite (while Scott laid on the bed with his Switch), and he lit a candle in the spotless guest/Lydia’s room. Even though no one was going to go into any of those rooms! It took time though and distracted him from his nerves.

Scott was no help at all. He spent most of his time absorbed in video games, except when he told Stiles he needed to calm down. As if game nights weren’t _important_! As if Stiles hadn’t sat through a million Allison freak-outs for Scott! As if it wasn’t 100% plausible Derek would enter their house and decide it smelled weird! Some people had weird smelling houses! And Stiles could not let that be why Derek decided he should just be friends with his klutzy neighbor and not more.

After calmly explaining this to Scott, he had suggested Stiles take a hot shower to calm down. Stiles complained about what a bad friend Scott was, loudly, until Scott manhandled him into the shower. Despite the fact he turned the sprayer on while Stiles still had his clothes on, the shower did help. It loosened his tensed muscles and washed away the grime from cleaning. By the time he got out he felt much more like a person and less like anxiety anthropomorphized. 

After Allison got home, he spent a while outlining worst case scenarios for if Derek did show up to her and Scott. Then he moved on to outlining worst case scenarios for if Derek didn’t show up. Lydia arrived partway through that and Edna Mode-ed him into calming down. 

When Derek and Laura arrived they have a group of six with them. Stiles was too excited that they showed up to care they brought a party of their own. Anyway, Stiles had meant it when he said the more the merrier. 

Before he could even greet them Lydia said, “Kira?” And one of the women of the group broke away so she could hug Lydia. 

Laura said, “We weren’t planning on bringing everyone, but Kira said she was already invited and Malia was her plus one.”

Stiles glanced at the woman to Laura’s right who was staring at him intently. He offered her a smile. “Uh, hey. I’m Stiles.”

She nodded then said, to Laura, “I understand now why you told me not to ask him about sex.”  
  
Laura face palmed while a blonde girl cackled mercilessly. Stiles choked on his own spit, accidentally glanced at Derek, and said, “What?”

Malia shrugged. “You smell.”

“_What_?” He pulled his shirt up to his nose, even though that was almost as embarrassing as someone accusing him of smelling. He had just showered!

“Ignore her,” said one of the women who was stoney faced and eyebrow-y like Laura and Derek. Probably a sibling? “She means you smell good and she wants to have sex with you.” Then she shouldered past Stiles as though _that_ explained anything. 

His mouth agape, he turned to watch her make herself comfortable in the house. Then he caught sight of Kira, who was Malia’s girlfriend, and flushed what he was sure was a violent red. Kira and Allison had bonded over self-defense. Kira could absolutely kick his ass. 

She smiled. “It’s ok. We’re polyamorous.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Malia sullenly. She ducked around Stiles and took Kira’s hand. “Laura said I couldn’t anyway.”

Stiles glanced back at Laura, baffled. If Malia and Kira were polyamorous, why would she care if he and Malia had sex? Malia was also extremely hot and looked vaguely like the other Hales. Another sibling? 

Laura ignored him in favor of Malia. “Next time I’ll be more clear that I mean don’t bring sex up at all.” Malia shrugged, unconcerned by Laura’s annoyance. 

Stiles took in a deep breath then nodded. “Yeah. You guys are awesome. My self-esteem is through the roof right now.”

Laura grinned at him and ruffled his hair as she walked past him. He flapped her hands away from him because his hair had taken _time_. Had Derek even seen it? Because it had looked pretty great before his sister ruined it. Derek was blank faced when Stiles stole a look at him, but when their eyes met Stiles beamed at him and Derek, well, his face didn’t exactly change. But it softened. Stiles swore it did.

Everyone was introduced to everyone else. Scott and Allison immediately took to Issac who was, as far as Stiles could tell, a curly haired douchebag puppy. Possibly, Stiles thought he was a douchebag only because he and Scott had hit it off so well. Scott was _Stiles’_ best friend, thanks. 

Erica threw an arm around Stiles’ shoulders and started a conversation with him about Batman. Most of their opinions lined up and she knew a lot of the deep lore about Batman and co. It was such a relief to meet someone else obsessed with Batman (in a completely healthy way) that he professed his love for her by offering to be the Batman to her Catwoman. 

That’s how he met Boyd, her boyfriend, quiet but snarky. He professed his love for Boyd by saying it was a shame Stiles wasn’t polyamorous. Boyd had professed _his_ love by staring at Stiles flatly. Stiles swooned dramatically and Erica caught him and cracked a joke about how that was her first reaction to Boyd too.

Malia turned out to be a Hale cousin. She was intense and blunt, but Stiles liked her. He felt a little guilty though, because he thought part of the reason he liked her as much as he did was because she said she was attracted to him. Especially after it became clear that she made some of the others a little uncomfortable. Mostly he just liked her, but the guilt remained. 

Cora actually was a sibling though. She was stoney faced and badass like her siblings. Unlike her siblings she seemed to struggle with being nice to people. She and Lydia became fast friends, which mostly meant glaring at people, being unimpressed by them, and informing people why they were wrong. It was terrifying and hilarious. 

Kira got along with Allison and Lydia too, but she actually spent a lot of time with Derek. They sat off to the side talking together and when they weren’t, Derek glared at everyone else. Kira was polyamorous. Stiles had no idea if she was interested in men, but if she was, of course she’d go after Derek! Look at him! And she was adorable and Stiles had overheard her talking to Derek in a different language! They were sexy nerds! How was he supposed to compete with that?

The evening overall was a lot of fun. They made asses out of themselves and developed bitter rivalries with each other while they played. Game night was always fun, but it was even more electric with the others. Like their little group had been missing eight additions. The only hitch came when Scott cornered Stiles in the kitchen and hissed about how Derek was being a bummer. 

That was unfair. It was just that Derek didn’t say much of anything, and glared at everyone else, and was stiff when it was his to turn to suffer public humiliation. He wasn’t a _bummer_, he was just shy. Stiles remembered Derek admitting to that after the water bottle incident. Scott had not been convinced. 

After the pizza and Jackson’s butterscotch blondies had been consumed, and board games had been abandoned for video games, Stiles decided to bake cookies from pre-made cookie dough. He had just shoved a square of raw cookie dough in his mouth when Laura and Derek entered the kitchen. She raised a brow at him and Derek smirked, which Stiles counted as a win. 

“Hey,” he said around the dough. 

Laura hopped onto one of the counters and watched him separate the dough and place it on the cookie sheets. Derek hovered by the kitchen entrance. She said, “So, Stiles, you work from home, right? That’s what Derek said.” Stiles glanced at Derek, who glared at his sister, then nodded. Laura hummed thoughtfully, then offered,“I’m an accountant.”

“Really?” He blurted without his brain’s consent. 

She frowned at him. “Yes. Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Because you look like what action movies think accountants look like. Or what action movies think spies pretending to be accountants look like.”

She preened at the compliment. “Working out is how I de-stress.” He grimaced at the idea that exercise was anything but torture. He worked out because it was good for your heart and he had to set a good example for his dad, but he did not enjoy it. “It’s a family trait.” 

Stiles glanced at Derek (more precisely at his arms) and said, “Yeah,” without thinking it through. 

Laura’s grin turned sharp. “Derek’s a translator. He’s fluent in five languages in addition to English.”

“Holy shit.”

Derek shifted from one foot to the other and shrugged. “Language is easy for me.”  
  
“Which is hilarious,” added Laura after he stopped abruptly, “since conversation isn’t.”

He glared at her, and Stiles thought she deserved it a little. So what Derek was shy? That didn’t mean people should make fun of him in front of other people. Stiles shrugged and said, “He’s done all right with me.” 

Laura perked up at that and Derek said her name sharply. Maybe that hadn’t been the kind of solidarity Derek needed. “I bet,” said Laura too enthusiastically. Stiles opened the oven to put the cookies in purely so he didn’t have to face her anymore. “So, what do you do, Stiles?”

The oven banged shut and Scott yelled, “Timer,” from the living room. Stiles thanked him and set the oven timer. Otherwise the cookies would be forgotten until someone smelled them burning. 

When he turned around Laura was staring at him expectantly and Derek was watching him. Maybe Malia’s intensity thing was hereditary. “Uh, I’m a podcaster.”  
  
“A podcaster?”

“A podcast is”-

“I know what a podcast is.”

“Sorry. Usually when people repeat it back that way it’s because they think it’s fake.” Stiles tossed the cookie dough package in the trash and washed his hands in the sink. “I do a couple of podcasts, mostly with me and my friends.”  
  
“Don’t listen to him.” Lydia entered the kitchen full of determination, and opened the fridge. “He always undersells himself. It’s my least favorite quality of his, surprisingly.” She shut the fridge and turned to reveal the bottle of wine she’d brought. “He and Scott started a podcast network seven years ago. Everyone thought they were idiots, but they managed to avoid bankruptcy. How many shows are on your network now? Ten?”

“Twelve,” he admitted. 

After seven years, Scott and Stiles had finally managed to figure out what shows appealed to their audience, what had lasting power, and who was reliable. The network might not have gone under, but that didn’t mean there hadn’t been a lot of close calls. They had twelve successful shows on the network now but they’d had a grand total of thirty-six throughout the years, most within the first two years. Back when they’d gone for quantity over quality. 

“Stiles does all the grunt work. Scott is a co-creative with him, but he doesn’t have a head for the business side.”

“He’s _busy_.” Stiles rushed to defend, because Lydia claimed Scott didn’t do enough to run the network if he got fifty percent of the credit. Stiles disagreed. Especially because the last thing he wanted was for Scott to do the accounting or try to haggle with sponsors. “He works part time as a vet’s assistant. I’m the idiot who made podcasting his full time job.”

“And writing, and acting, and marketing, and networking, and”- Lydia continued to list things even as she exited the kitchen. 

Derek raised a brow at him and said, “And you thought five languages was impressive?”

Stiles snorted. “Oh yeah, podcasting is super sexy. Hey baby,” he said with an exaggerated husky voice, “let me tell you about Casper mattresses.” He finished off with a wink. Derek’s ears turned red and Laura laughed so hard she fell off the counter. Stiles grinned at her. “So you listen to podcasts?” 

After that it was like the ice had been broken. Derek smiled at Stiles and talked to him. And flirted. There was definitely flirting going on between them. Stiles was completely sure of it. The night was a complete success. 

* * *

_ “I’ve done a lot of research since Camaro’s non-injury injury. I’ll go over potential non-human creatures that Big Guy and Camaro could be. I’ll highlight what the creatures are, what characteristics the creatures have in common with my neighbor, and why Big Guy and Camaro most likely aren’t these creatures. For new listeners, no, the excuse that something ‘doesn’t exist’ doesn’t qualify._”

* * *

Stiles no longer felt shame in harassing Laura and Derek. They had come to his house, played games with his friends, and had a great time together. They were categorized as ‘friends’ now. That was their mistake. He also harassed the others who had come over that night, but none like Laura and Derek. 

Whenever either of them (particularly Derek) were in the backyard working out, Stiles made sure he went out near the end of it to talk to them. He invited them to the farmer’s market with the others. Derek watched his back and forth with Bridget Norton with his arms crossed and an air of amusement. 

They came over when Stiles grilled burgers one evening. Stiles brought out a step ladder so he could see over the privacy fence and into Derek’s garden while he weeded. Allison baked brownies and Stiles hoarded a few of them to take next door. 

Laura told him all about her fiancé in New York. Michael was a pianist and a singer. He had a band in New York, but also worked for tips at a piano bar. The band was splitting up, only partially due to the fact that Michael was moving to Beacon Hills, but they’d decided to go on a farewell tour along the East and Southeast coast. 

Laura had moved back ahead of him so she could build her house. Stiles met Michael one night over Skype when he brought a Dora the Explorer piñata over. It was an inside joke and _extremely_ funny and not at all weird. Michael had been cool and tolerated Stiles’ immature joke about how he was a pianist too- oh, wait, he meant- even if Laura had smacked him on the back of the head. 

Stiles started a game with Derek, which he claimed to hate but participated in every time. Stiles would text Derek a phrase and a language and Derek would send back a recorded message with the phrase said in the language. Derek pointed out that since Stiles didn’t speak any of the languages, he could be saying anything. Stiles had informed him that he missed the point of the game. 

Two months after the first game night, Stiles was lying on Derek’s porch with his legs on the bench swing while he read a book about Emperor penguins. They had watched _Happy Feet 2_ last night and Stiles had found the book on their bookshelf. It was possible the book even belonged to him. 

Then Derek said, “Stiles? What are you doing here?”  
  
Stiles twisted his head so he could see Derek standing by his car. He grinned and flipped around (or fell, tomato, ta-mah-toe) so he was sitting upright. “Hey! I was waiting on you to get home."  
  
Derek climbed the three steps and sat on the bench. “We live next door to each other. Why were you waiting on the porch?” He didn’t sound annoyed. He sounded amused, which was always a good sign.

“Because I have something important to ask you and didn’t want to miss you.”  
  
“Ok?”

“Yeah, because we’ve known each other for awhile now and you said you were shy so I thought I should wait. Also I’m chicken shit, but that’s irrelevant.” The longer Stiles spoke the more perplexed Derek’s eyebrows became. “Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date. With me.” After a pause Stiles offered Derek a beaming smile. “We could go classic and do dinner and a movie if you wanted. Or I could have Laura accuse me of being a hipster again and offer to take you to Shakespeare in the park. We have that! It’s not… great, but they try really hard and I gotta give them props for that. Or we could go to the comic book store downtown! I could show you how much pull having a D&D podcast _and_ a superhero podcast gets you! It’s none. I have no pull. It’d still be fun, though. So, I mean, what do you think?”

Derek stared at Stiles. His eyes wide and his fists clenched at his sides as he stared unblinkingly at Stiles. With every passing silent second Stiles’ grin slipped further off his face. Until they were both staring at the other blank faced. 

And then Derek said, “No.”  
  
Stiles’s stomach swooped and his face heated up with humiliation. Of course Derek didn’t want to go out with him. Derek could get supermodels if he wanted. Why on earth would he want his weird neighbor?

Stiles nodded and once he started he couldn’t get himself to stop. “Ok. Yeah. That’s cool. Chill. Do kids still say that? I’m a podcaster! I should know! Anyway, I gotta go. I’ll, uh, I’ll see you on Saturday for the farmer’s market. Not _you_ you. Everyone you. Laura, Erica, Cora, Issac, Boyd”- 

Stiles cut himself off when he tripped down the second step of the porch. Derek jerked to his feet, but Stiles waved him off with a slightly manic laugh. “I’m fine! Gotta go! Bye!”

He ran back to the house, up to his room, and buried himself under every blanket he owned. Maybe if he built a big enough nest on his bed he could force the humiliation out of his mind. 

Why had he let his friends convince him he had a shot with Derek? He had been fine pining after him with a creepy podcast and a hopeless crush. Now things would be weird because he had gotten his feelings all over their friendship. 

No. He refused to let it be weird. This would not be like his misguided crush on Lydia in high school. He liked Derek and Derek rejected him and that was _fine_. He would get over Derek, just like he got over Lydia, and they would be best bros. 

When Scott got home and found Stiles hiding under his blankets, he climbed on top and laid across Stiles’ back. He told Stiles he was better off without Derek anyway, which wasn’t exactly helpful, but the thought was appreciated. That night Allison let Scott sleep in Stiles’ bed because she was a thoughtful bro. 

* * *

Stiles decided he was too sick to go to the farmer’s market on Saturday. That’s what he told everyone to tell the Hale Pack, which is what Stiles had nicknamed them after Laura popped Malia on the head with a rolled up magazine and called her a bad puppy. He still wanted to be bros with Derek, because he would take any scrap of attention he could get from him, but he needed space to move on.

Lydia stayed with him and complained about the original trilogy Star Wars marathon, until he agreed to let her give him a manicure. As if Stiles would complain about his nails looking amazing. He didn’t talk about Derek with her. It had been four days and he was past the talking stage and onto the avoidance stage. 

During _The Empire Strikes Back_, Stiles had turned on some captioned braid tutorials and was practicing on Lydia. He was partway through a fishtail when Laura knocked on his bedroom door. Stiles grimaced at the sight of her, but didn’t argue when Lydia collected her things and left. She shot Laura a dark look, which was flattering. 

Laura hesitated in the doorway until Stiles patted his bed. He liked Laura. He didn’t want his friendship with any of the Hale Pack to be hindered by Derek not liking him back. She curled up on the bed beside him and watched a few minutes of Star Wars with him. 

“You know we’re not actually supernatural, right?”

Stiles grimaced. Hale humiliation twice in under a week? Maybe Stiles should just quit society and go hide in the woods. He paused the movie and let his head bang against his headboard. “You found that, huh?”  
  
“I had to research the guy interested in Der-bear.”

“Yeah, well, he’s not interested in me. So.”

Laura scoffed, which shouldn’t have grated on him as much as it did. Laura settled more firmly on the bed and said, “Just so you know, Derek and I don’t go for four hour runs.” 

“Uh, I’ve timed you.”

“We run one hour to our family house and have breakfast with them. Then we run back, which takes one hour.”

“You have breakfast with your family everyday?”  
  
“You have lunch with your dad everyday.”

“I have to monitor his food intake!”

Laura chuckled. “Our family’s just super active. I worked at a gym during college and had a softball scholarship. Derek did gymnastics in high school.”

“What?”

“We have videos of his ribbon dance routines.”  
  
“_What_?”

“He took ballet, but gymnastics was where his heart was. That’s what he told Mom when he was twelve.”

“Oh my god,” he whispered to himself. How could he be even more attracted to Derek?

“He does backflips whenever he’s trying to show off. Which is also why he does his work-outs outside. He figured out he had a nosey neighbor and wanted to show off. It’s a Hale family fault.” She shrugged. “That’s why I started doing my work-outs out there too. I’m not sure what you saw, because I don’t actually remember dropping anything even near my foot, but the angle must have been off or something. I didn’t magically heal because I was never hurt.”

Stiles narrowed his eyes at her. “And I’m supposed to just believe you? You could be lying to me. Even if you didn’t hurt yourself, you guys didn’t get drunk that night the rest of us got wasted.”

Laura ruffled his hair, which was ok since he hadn’t washed it in a few days. “Stiles, my darling elfin boy, you were the only one who got drunk. You did three shots and downed three beers. The rest of us, including your friends, drank a modest one or two shots and one or two beers.”

“No! Derek drank one to one with me.”

“No. You kept yelling ‘chug-off’ and would down your drinks while pumping your fist. Derek kept telling you to slow down. So we are not intolerant to alcohol. We’re just not in our twenties anymore.” 

Stiles humphed, because he was almost thirty, thanks. But he admitted to himself that her explanation was plausible. Scott had told him that Stiles got a little wild that night. 

“Also, I wasn’t there when Derek overheard you and Scott ‘whispering’, but I have heard you guys ‘whispering’ before. Your definition of whispering is off. At best it’s a stage whisper, but usually it’s just talking with the belief that no one else can hear you.”

That was plausible too. He and Scott together were almost never subtle. 

“So, my neighbor is human?”

“Sorry, dude. I wish I could tell you Derek’s the fish man from _Shape of Water_ or Spock, but he’s not. He’s just a nerdy human.”

“Ok. But, just so you know, I would be totally cool if you guys weren’t human. Like, I know we’ve only known each other a few months, but you could totally trust me.”

Laura wrapped an arm around his shoulders and gave him a squeeze. “You would be the first human I trusted with our secret if we were supernatural. Unfortunately, we’re very human.”

Stiles rested his head against her shoulder and sighed. “You could still kick my ass.” Laura laughed, loud and bright. Stiles closed his eyes against the pain of it all. “Derek isn’t interested in me. I asked him out and he said no.”

“Derek is supernaturally bad at communication.” Laura kissed the top of Stiles’ head. “He’s downstairs because he wants to talk to you.”

Stiles groaned. “Is he gonna glare at me about my creepy podcast?”

“Are you kidding? When I told him about it he was so flattered. He likes the idea that you think he’s invincible. But, Stiles? He’s not. He’s just a marshmallow pretending to be steel. He needs protecting.”

“He turned me down, Laura.” Stiles picked at his comforter and tried to give off a ‘no big deal’ air. “But I try to protect my friends.”

Laura patted his leg. “I’m gonna get Derek and let you talk to him.”

“Shouldn’t I shower first?” He rubbed at his chin and grimaced. “Or shave?”

She grabbed his cheeks and smooshed his face. “Your patchy facial hair is adorable. Derek will love it.” 

Stiles flapped her hands away from him and glared at her, but his glare was pathetic compared to the Hale glare. She kissed his forehead and left him. The exact second she was out of sight was when the panic set in. He flung himself out of his bed, only tripping slightly, and tried to do something with his hair. Then he gave that up as a lost cause and riffled through his dresser for actual clothes. 

Before he could find anything acceptable to wear Derek knocked on his door frame. Stiles froze and stared at him, looking so beautiful it made Stiles’ heart hurt. 

He waved and said, “Hey,” because he was an idiot.

“Hey.” Derek glanced around the room and shifted from one foot to the other. Then his eyes settled on Stiles and roamed over every inch of him. It left Stiles feeling exposed, but not in a bad way. “I, uh, I wanted to talk to you.”

“I’m sorry about the podcast,” he blurted. “I was drunk that first time and then… I have poor impulse control. Which still makes it invasive. I’m just really sorry and I promise I’ll take them all down. I should’ve done that right away, but”-

“Stiles. It’s fine. I don’t- it was nice.” Stiles scoffed. It was not nice. “Cora says you and I are on the same level of creeper.”

“You didn’t do anything creepy.”

Derek glanced away, his ears turned red, and he cleared his throat. “Well. When I viewed my house before I bought it, you were on the back porch reading. You weren’t the reason I bought the house, but…” he trailed off and shrugged. 

Stiles ran his hands through his hair, gripping the ends of it. “You turned me down, Derek. I’m getting some serious mixed signals here.”

Derek entered the room more fully and sat at Stiles’ desk chair. Stiles leaned against his dresser and watched Derek compose what he needed to say. He was wearing a maroon sweater and his stubble was a little longer than normal. It gave him an aura of softness that made Stiles’ knees weak.

“I thought… I didn’t think we’d- I’m not good with people.” He huffed. “People usually like the way I look, but not… me. I didn’t expect you to like me or spend time with me. I thought I’d have to work to get to this point.”

“And it’s a bad thing you didn’t?”

He sighed. “I… haven’t… had the best… success with relationships.” Each word sounded ripped from Derek’s gut. 

“Derek,” Stiles said guilt eating at him, “you don’t have to tell me. You said no and I respect that.”

“No. I- I like you. That’s the problem.”

“Right.” It shouldn’t hurt so much that Derek liked him against his better judgement. Most of Stiles’ past relationships had been founded on exactly that. But he’d thought Derek was different. 

“Not like that. I just”- He stopped and pressed his lips together tightly. Stiles waited with forced patience for Derek to collect himself. It was not his strong suit, but he knew Derek needed it. “After my last relationship, I went to therapy. Eventually. I’m still in therapy. I have intimacy and trust issues, apparently. I also have- _had_ bad coping methods. My therapist recommended taking a break from romantic and sexual relationships for a year. It was supposed to be time for me to work on myself.”

“You’ve only lived in your house six months.” Stiles sagged as things started to click into place. 

“I started therapy four months before I moved in.”  
  
“Two months left.”  
  
Derek nodded. “I thought it would be a year before we even became friends.”

“But then there was Laura.”

“Yeah.” Derek shrugged. “I hadn’t told her about my year off when she butted in. And then…”

“I butted into your life?”

“I liked you there. I like you.”

“But why didn’t you tell me _that_ instead of turning me down? I would’ve understood.”  
  
Derek stood, then sat back down with his hands tucked underneath his legs. “I know you would have,” he said fervently. “It wasn’t about not trusting you. The amount I trust you…” He swallowed visibly. “I _trust_ you. I just- conversation isn’t my strong suit.”

Stiles’ shoulders slumped. “Dude, you could’ve given me more than ‘no’.”

“You surprised me.”

“Ok.” Stiles sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “So, Derek Hale, in two months, give or take a few days, will you”-

“Yes.” Stiles’ mouth parted at the interruption. Derek blushed faintly and shrugged. “I like you.” Stiles held out his hand and, after a slight hesitation, Derek shook it. 

* * *

_“Welcome to the finale of _**_Is My Neighbor Even Human_**_! My name is Stiles Stilinski and I have a very special guest with me today. Big Guy!”_

**_“Derek’s fine.”_**

_ “Derek is _ _very_ _ fine.”  
_

**_“Stiles.”_**

_ “Derek’s sister, Laura AKA Camaro, found out about my humble little podcast and ratted me out to Derek. I have forgiven her for the betrayal, but only because she didn’t get a restraining order against me. Derek, how did you feel when you found out about this show?”  
_

**_“Pretty happy.”_**

_ “Really?”  
_

**_“My cute neighbor was a little obsessed with me? It made my obsession with him less weird.”_**

_“You smooth motherfucker.”_

** _“I came up with that line last night when Laura was fake interviewing me.”_ **

_“Laura fake interviewed you? The authenticity is ruined now. Ruined!”_

** _“You’ll live.”_ **

_“We’ll see. So, over the last few months I’ve been discrediting all of my past evidence proving you’re non-human. It broke my heart, because I was pretty into some of my non-human theories. But my investigation had to be fair and balanced.”_

** _“Pfft.”_ **

_“Shut-up. I’m an exemplary journalist.”_

** _“An example of what not to do.”_ **

_“Why do you love to hurt me?”_

** _“Don’t you have something to ask me?”_ **

_“Right. Derek, the big moment is finally here. - Are you even human?”_

**_“For my entire life.”_**

_“And the timeless question has been answered! No monsters here, despite my deep, dark desires.”_

** _“Stiles.”_ **

_“Do you wanna tell our adoring audience what we have planned tonight, big guy?”_

** _“Stiles is taking me to a baseball game, and he’s promised to splurge and buy me a hotdog as long as he can make innuendo.”_ **

_“That’s right assholes! It’s our first date! My neighbor is human and taken. We’re gonna sign off now, because we have to make heart eyes at each other for nine innings. Thank you, everyone, for following me on my very professional investigative research.”_

** _“Pfft.”_ **

_“Will you- just thank the audience and say good-bye forever.”_

** _“Thank you and good-bye forever.”_ **

_“Clearly he needs some podcasting practice. I’ll work on it. Good-bye, listeners. I’ve got a date with a human.”_

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't put the tag Alternate Universe - Human because I thought it was a spoiler. I'll add it if people think I should, though. 
> 
> It is my opinion that Stiles Stilinski is Hale bait, but they all let Derek have him. Why is that my headcanon? Because it tickles me to think about. Laura is fully aware of this, in this particular fic, which is why she tells Malia and Cora to backoff before introducing them to Stiles.
> 
> For anyone who has never heard the word pianist pronounced out loud, it sounds similar to penis. Because Stiles is about ten.


End file.
